Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas to you and yours. Since there seemed to have been a time warp, and I didn't get my Christmas card sent, this will do. On this cold, wintry morning as I reflect upon on the year, I realize what an interesting year it has been. Life truly is unpredictable and is not set in stone. It is fluid and you have to go where the current may take you, for swimming against the current will take you nowhere.
Family. When I think of family, there are many versions. My kin and extended family, the military brats in my life, and my work family. Each of you hold a place in my heart and from my heart I wish you all nothing but the best in the coming year.

Life is but a fleeting moment, do what makes you happy. Do something for others. Be. Be happy, be healthy, be spontaneous, be daring, be not afraid, be humble, be surprised, be grateful.

Many blessings and love to you all!

Love, Christina and family

I fucking hate depression.

If you've struggled with depression, you might feel like I do. It can be a sneaky monster, creeping in on you, weaving its tendrils of sadness, loneliness, self-doubt, self-hate, insecurities, and such--until it has you in its tight grip. Once the monster has you, it isn't something that ever goes away fully. One little trigger can send you slipping into the bleakness of the monsters lair.

Depression comes in many forms. I frankly had no clue I was depressed for years, because I had lived with it for a very long time. After a while, I finally sought help. Two different SSRIs, hours of counseling, and changes and upheavals in my life have lead me to where I currently am. I'm no longer on meds and for the most part am happy. I've been in a self-discovery mode since making one of the most painful decisions-- to divorce my husband after years of missteps and mistakes on both our parts. The loss of security was  why I held on longer than I should have. I digress.

I am happier, more in control, and free from having to answer for who I am and what I chose to do. However, it is a struggle. Depression can be a day-to-day  battle.   The insecurities start sneaking in, fucking with you. Little minions of the monster, taunting, poking, and goading you, until the self-doubt and sadness start slipping in. Triggers can be big or small. I have found a  support system, but even when I talk about it, I always feel like why the hell are you even listening? Don't you get sick and tired of me? That my issues, no pun intended, are just all in my head. So, there are times when I pull away. Which then is bad, cause the moments alone allows those creeping tendrils to weave their way in. I usually try to combat that by reaching out. Then the worry that I'm being bothersome and annoying pops in.  I don't mean to be. I just need the interaction, conversation, and friendship. I need to feel  that I'm okay, even when I don't feel that way.

I know there will be good days again. The good days are now out numbering the bad, but it's still a struggle. There are days when I find myself sitting in the shower or on my deck, alone and crying, fearful of the unknown and uncertainties. Oh to be omniscient! Sadly, I'm not. So, the not knowing, insecurities and struggles will be there, and will just have to face each day as it comes.

Live Life

Today I shed a tear for a friend. His mother lived 70 years and a day. Just another reaffirmation that life is too short, you are not guaranteed tomorrow. Live, love, and make every breath count. Have adventures that you only dream, smile more, laugh hard, and live with no regrets.

Giving Thanks

Well, it's been a while since I sat down and took a few minutes to blog! Everyone is taking the time on Facebook to post a daily "What they are thankful for." I would like to say I could commit to that, but life has been so crazy! With that segue, I'll post what I am most thankful for in one mashed up blog. Here it is:

• My children. You are my lifeline, my heartbeat, my soul. I see you grow and mature more each day and I am utterly amazed by you three. You drive me nuts. You make me want to scream, cry, laugh, and hold you close. Andrew, you are finding your way in this crazy world and I am so proud that you've bought your own car, working hard, and becoming a responsible young man. Courtney, you are blossoming into a beautiful young woman. Every time I turn around, you surprise me with your talent and fortitude. Gavin, my sweet boy. You have such a kind, tender heart and you are so much fun to be around. You are growing up too fast and I wish I could stop that, but I can't. Therefore, I will sit back and watch you three and file these memories away to treasure for the rest of my life.
• My family. Mom. The one person in my life who has always been there. Through the good and bad, happy and sad. You have been there when I skinned my knees as a little girl, you were there when I gave birth to two of my children, helping me on my new path in life, and too many numerous occasions to remember. I love you and appreciate you, even when we drive each other nuts. You know you will always be with me, a part of me forever, and I love you. Scott and Greg, thanks for being who you are. You both have your unique qualities that make you you, and I love you both! Scott, I can always count on you to make me laugh, and Greg, if I need to know some awesome trivia, you're the man! My extended family, you are all special and I wish we lived closer! Lastly, Dad. I miss you and wish we had had more time. 
• Bryan. Even though our marriage is ending, I can't thank you enough for the greatest gifts in my life, our children. There were good times, and those are memories that I can still look back on fondly. I hope you will find happiness and wish you the best.
• My friends. You have all been there for me through the craziness and insanity of life. Thank you, each of you, for sticking with me and being there for me. I laugh more when you are there, destress, and keep me grounded. I love you all. 
• My job (s). I think! Hahaha. Seriously, I can't call one of them a job. I have way too much fun at Old Navy to call it as such. I have met some awesome people and really enjoy working with them and spending time with them. Especially the morning crew!!! Some of you are really turning into good friends. I am about to embark on a new job, in addition to Old Navy, and I am excited to get it started. I truly am thankful that I have 2 jobs in this economy.
• Music. I can't go a day without it in my life. It is a comfort, an inspiration, something that moves me. 

“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.”~ Mark Twain

With these thanks said, why wait for a particular day or month? Spread some kindness and love. Life is too short to live with regrets. Embrace the spontaneity, dare to dream, act, and do. Don't hold back and later say you wish you had embarked on an adventure. Carpe diem! You have one life to live, make as many memories as possible.

~ Christina 

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day! 

Some people ask, "What makes a great father?" The answer really is simple. Be there for your children. Guide them, nurture them, and always make them feel they are the most important people in your lives. You are not only raising your children, you are raising the future.

Roles for dads have changed. While some dads are still the traditional bread-winners, others have chosen to be the stay-at-home dads, while there are some single dads, and there are part-time dads. Regardless of what "dad" you are, it is important to always be there. No matter what happens in your life, be the positive, strong role-model that your children need. They need to be guided by you, and taught important life skills.

You might think it's monotonous going out and tossing a ball back and forth, or that you are too tired to read them the same book every night. Get out there and do it. Not only are you teaching your child how to catch and throw, you are building a bond, working on communication, team-work, and trust. Constructing those bonds in the early years helps establish a strong foundation for your relationship as your children age and become independent creatures.

When your children become teenagers--and they will, remember they will test you, push your buttons, and push you away. It's all part of growing up and finding their own way. This is where patience is important. Even though they might act like they don't want you around, they do. You just have to evolve, and patiently wait in the wings, swooping in to be there. And again, make them realize they are everything to you. Respect them, and they will respect you. This is an important time to show them your strong work ethics, relationships, etc. These are the years that they need to be shown that even if you are tired, you get up and take care of things. 

When your children are adults, again be there. There will be a day when they call you and ask for your advice and guidance. They will remember all that you have done and shown them through the years, and want to do the same for their own children. So happy father's day!

I love you dad, and miss you everyday.

My date this week

It was that time of year again; that time of year to have my date with the mammography equipment at the Goppert Center for Breast Care. Everyone is so pleasant as you walk in, but if you look hard enough, you can see the demon faces hiding behind the masks of pleasantries. Sitting in the waiting room at least there was no one else to spend awkward moments while waiting to enter the torture chamber. Casually I flip through a magazine, biding my time until one of the she-devils calls my name. Sweetly she lures me from the safety of a well-lit room. Crossing the threshold, and quickly I find myself lured into a quiescent holding area. Somewhere in the distance I swear I can hear the screaming of the lost souls, but the tranquility of the dimly lit chamber lulls me into subservient bliss. I'm ordered to remove my top and bra. "Slip on the gown," she whispers, "and have a seat. It won't be long." Slipping my bra off, I try to think why I am exposing myself. Sliding on the lovely pink gown, buttoning up the front, as the cool cloth rubs my skin, is yet another calming act. Perhaps this won't be too bad. It is a lovely top, and a lovely place, I convince myself it will be alright. "Follow me, and this will be done as quickly as possible." Slowly I approach the beast, staring in abject horror, yet unable to look away at the mouth of the beast. I know I am being served up as a sacrifice, and yet there is no escape. I am locked in the room. Tattooed on its skin is her name. "Selenia." The script is lovely, almost comforting, persuading me that she is a harmless being. Dropping my gown, exposing myself to her vise-grip mouth, I am pushed, prodded, and told to contort myself to fit in her mouth. Slowly the she-devil coaxes Selenia's mouth to close tighter and tighter. Strangely, the pain isn't too bad, and I find myself managing the beast. "Hold your breath, don't move, you are almost done." The she-devil convinces me I will survive this torture. I somehow believe her. She is right, and soon informs me that I am done. I am instructed to dress and to have a great day. A great day? After what I just went through? As I was exiting the chambers of hell, the sweet-faced demon shouts out, "See you next year."

I will see you again next year "Selenia," and will be prepared for another walk in your chamber of horrors.

No Apologies

A friend and fellow blogger posted "15 things I will never apologize for," and this motivated me to ponder the 15 things I wouldn't apologize about myself. As I'm more of a write on-the-fly writer, so here's my answers in no specific order.

1. My laid-back attitude--I try not to sweat the small things, take them as they come, and roll with the punches.

2. Food--I like to eat. I like to make food. I like to scour the internet for new recipes, new restaurants, and am willing to try just about anything. Well, with the exception of durian. That'll never cross these lips.

3. Cleaning--I would rather be playing than cleaning. No, I don't live in a hoarders house, and I try to keep it picked up, minus papers on the counter, pillows out of whack or a dish in the sink! I clean, but I also don't freak out when there's a sock on the floor.

4. Parenting style--We can all be outside observers and criticize others for their parenting decisions. Ultimately, unless you are in the same situation, please don't judge me. I'm trying the best I can, and love my kids unabashedly, and will do what I can for them.

5. My love of reading & books--I love reading. I'm open to just about any genre, and love paranormal with a passion. I'm still "old school" with my love of books. I haven't decided if I could ever get an e-reader, unless someone wants to buy me one! I've amassed my collection of favorite authors, and really need a bookshelf to proudly display them. Those I don't buy, I love hitting the library and browsing the shelves, and now thanks to the Goodreads website and its suggestions based on my reading style, I'm finding even more to read! :)

6. Television--I am addicted to television. Some are quality shows, and some are pure train wrecks! And it pisses me off when networks get rid of said quality shows, e.g. Friday Night Lights. NBC really screwed up when they didn't give this show the credit it deserved. Oh well, I still have plenty of others to watch.

7. Laughter--I love to laugh. I have a rather dorky laugh, but I don't care. Tie in to #6, and every Sunday I'm watching AFV. I can never get enough of that show. One of the best things to do is laugh until I cry, until my cheeks and sides hurt... that is the best.

8. Alone time--I enjoy my peace and quiet, and like being by myself at times. It gives me time to reflect, to center myself, and drown out outside drama. This is usually done when I'm "wogging" with my dog--walk/jog. It helps to work out the frustrations!

9. Music--I love music, love listening to it, and am not afraid to sing at the top of my lungs in the car. Not sure if I can carry a tune, but dammit I know the words,and if I don't, well I fake it! I love going to concerts, watching performances, and even breaking out into a dance when no one is around, and I loved dancing with my kids when they were little.

10. My children--They are imperfect creatures, but perfectly perfect in my eyes. They have their flaws, but I look at them in awe. They each have their strengths and weaknesses, and I hope I can always be there to help them along this path of life.

11. Being a brat--I was lucky enough to have been born into a military family. I loved the lifestyle, and being able to travel and see so many things. So, go ahead and call me a brat. It's a good thing.

12. My family--we ain't the Cleavers, but my family is the only one I have. Again, flaws and all, I will love them forever.

13. My nerdiness--Yes, I am a geek, or a closet geek. I've especially embraced my geekiness since I went back to school. I am proud of all the A's that I earned!

14. Random facts I know--Can't help it, I pick up on random things and store them in the noggin.

15. Wheel of Fortune--One of these days I should try out for it. I rock on solving the puzzles from the couch!

Thanks Tina for your blog, it definitely got me thinking about things I will never apologize for!

PS,I thought of one other thing. I love animals! Those that live in the home, at the zoo, and that are outdoors!