I fucking hate depression.
If you've struggled with depression, you might feel like I do. It can be a sneaky monster, creeping in on you, weaving its tendrils of sadness, loneliness, self-doubt, self-hate, insecurities, and such--until it has you in its tight grip. Once the monster has you, it isn't something that ever goes away fully. One little trigger can send you slipping into the bleakness of the monsters lair.
Depression comes in many forms. I frankly had no clue I was depressed for years, because I had lived with it for a very long time. After a while, I finally sought help. Two different SSRIs, hours of counseling, and changes and upheavals in my life have lead me to where I currently am. I'm no longer on meds and for the most part am happy. I've been in a self-discovery mode since making one of the most painful decisions-- to divorce my husband after years of missteps and mistakes on both our parts. The loss of security was why I held on longer than I should have. I digress.
I am happier, more in control, and free from having to answer for who I am and what I chose to do. However, it is a struggle. Depression can be a day-to-day battle. The insecurities start sneaking in, fucking with you. Little minions of the monster, taunting, poking, and goading you, until the self-doubt and sadness start slipping in. Triggers can be big or small. I have found a support system, but even when I talk about it, I always feel like why the hell are you even listening? Don't you get sick and tired of me? That my issues, no pun intended, are just all in my head. So, there are times when I pull away. Which then is bad, cause the moments alone allows those creeping tendrils to weave their way in. I usually try to combat that by reaching out. Then the worry that I'm being bothersome and annoying pops in. I don't mean to be. I just need the interaction, conversation, and friendship. I need to feel that I'm okay, even when I don't feel that way.
I know there will be good days again. The good days are now out numbering the bad, but it's still a struggle. There are days when I find myself sitting in the shower or on my deck, alone and crying, fearful of the unknown and uncertainties. Oh to be omniscient! Sadly, I'm not. So, the not knowing, insecurities and struggles will be there, and will just have to face each day as it comes.
