My date this week

It was that time of year again; that time of year to have my date with the mammography equipment at the Goppert Center for Breast Care. Everyone is so pleasant as you walk in, but if you look hard enough, you can see the demon faces hiding behind the masks of pleasantries. Sitting in the waiting room at least there was no one else to spend awkward moments while waiting to enter the torture chamber. Casually I flip through a magazine, biding my time until one of the she-devils calls my name. Sweetly she lures me from the safety of a well-lit room. Crossing the threshold, and quickly I find myself lured into a quiescent holding area. Somewhere in the distance I swear I can hear the screaming of the lost souls, but the tranquility of the dimly lit chamber lulls me into subservient bliss. I'm ordered to remove my top and bra. "Slip on the gown," she whispers, "and have a seat. It won't be long." Slipping my bra off, I try to think why I am exposing myself. Sliding on the lovely pink gown, buttoning up the front, as the cool cloth rubs my skin, is yet another calming act. Perhaps this won't be too bad. It is a lovely top, and a lovely place, I convince myself it will be alright. "Follow me, and this will be done as quickly as possible." Slowly I approach the beast, staring in abject horror, yet unable to look away at the mouth of the beast. I know I am being served up as a sacrifice, and yet there is no escape. I am locked in the room. Tattooed on its skin is her name. "Selenia." The script is lovely, almost comforting, persuading me that she is a harmless being. Dropping my gown, exposing myself to her vise-grip mouth, I am pushed, prodded, and told to contort myself to fit in her mouth. Slowly the she-devil coaxes Selenia's mouth to close tighter and tighter. Strangely, the pain isn't too bad, and I find myself managing the beast. "Hold your breath, don't move, you are almost done." The she-devil convinces me I will survive this torture. I somehow believe her. She is right, and soon informs me that I am done. I am instructed to dress and to have a great day. A great day? After what I just went through? As I was exiting the chambers of hell, the sweet-faced demon shouts out, "See you next year."

I will see you again next year "Selenia," and will be prepared for another walk in your chamber of horrors.

No Apologies

A friend and fellow blogger posted "15 things I will never apologize for," and this motivated me to ponder the 15 things I wouldn't apologize about myself. As I'm more of a write on-the-fly writer, so here's my answers in no specific order.

1. My laid-back attitude--I try not to sweat the small things, take them as they come, and roll with the punches.

2. Food--I like to eat. I like to make food. I like to scour the internet for new recipes, new restaurants, and am willing to try just about anything. Well, with the exception of durian. That'll never cross these lips.

3. Cleaning--I would rather be playing than cleaning. No, I don't live in a hoarders house, and I try to keep it picked up, minus papers on the counter, pillows out of whack or a dish in the sink! I clean, but I also don't freak out when there's a sock on the floor.

4. Parenting style--We can all be outside observers and criticize others for their parenting decisions. Ultimately, unless you are in the same situation, please don't judge me. I'm trying the best I can, and love my kids unabashedly, and will do what I can for them.

5. My love of reading & books--I love reading. I'm open to just about any genre, and love paranormal with a passion. I'm still "old school" with my love of books. I haven't decided if I could ever get an e-reader, unless someone wants to buy me one! I've amassed my collection of favorite authors, and really need a bookshelf to proudly display them. Those I don't buy, I love hitting the library and browsing the shelves, and now thanks to the Goodreads website and its suggestions based on my reading style, I'm finding even more to read! :)

6. Television--I am addicted to television. Some are quality shows, and some are pure train wrecks! And it pisses me off when networks get rid of said quality shows, e.g. Friday Night Lights. NBC really screwed up when they didn't give this show the credit it deserved. Oh well, I still have plenty of others to watch.

7. Laughter--I love to laugh. I have a rather dorky laugh, but I don't care. Tie in to #6, and every Sunday I'm watching AFV. I can never get enough of that show. One of the best things to do is laugh until I cry, until my cheeks and sides hurt... that is the best.

8. Alone time--I enjoy my peace and quiet, and like being by myself at times. It gives me time to reflect, to center myself, and drown out outside drama. This is usually done when I'm "wogging" with my dog--walk/jog. It helps to work out the frustrations!

9. Music--I love music, love listening to it, and am not afraid to sing at the top of my lungs in the car. Not sure if I can carry a tune, but dammit I know the words,and if I don't, well I fake it! I love going to concerts, watching performances, and even breaking out into a dance when no one is around, and I loved dancing with my kids when they were little.

10. My children--They are imperfect creatures, but perfectly perfect in my eyes. They have their flaws, but I look at them in awe. They each have their strengths and weaknesses, and I hope I can always be there to help them along this path of life.

11. Being a brat--I was lucky enough to have been born into a military family. I loved the lifestyle, and being able to travel and see so many things. So, go ahead and call me a brat. It's a good thing.

12. My family--we ain't the Cleavers, but my family is the only one I have. Again, flaws and all, I will love them forever.

13. My nerdiness--Yes, I am a geek, or a closet geek. I've especially embraced my geekiness since I went back to school. I am proud of all the A's that I earned!

14. Random facts I know--Can't help it, I pick up on random things and store them in the noggin.

15. Wheel of Fortune--One of these days I should try out for it. I rock on solving the puzzles from the couch!

Thanks Tina for your blog, it definitely got me thinking about things I will never apologize for!

PS,I thought of one other thing. I love animals! Those that live in the home, at the zoo, and that are outdoors!

Another Year Older

Add another candle to the birthday cake! I can't believe I'm 41-years-old; I sure don't feel like it, and I certainly don't act like one. Although, come to think of it, how is a 41-year-old supposed to act? I still feel like the 14-year-old girl from my youth. Who still loves Duran Duran with a passion, and am currently listening to them on Spotify. Boy, I would have been in trouble even more so if we had the internet back then. As it is, I spend way too much time on it. By the way, I think I appreciate Duran Duran more now than ever. Their music is truly genius. So much more than teeny-bopper bubble-gum pop. I've really listened to the music lately, and some of those tracks of theirs are artistically and musically some of the best music I've ever heard. But I digress... I have enjoyed each and every birthday wish I've received, it makes me realize that there are many awesome people out there. Even the little blurbs on my Facebook page have brought a smile to my face. Each and every person that has stopped by has taken a moment out of their day to post birthday wishes. It definitely makes this girl feel great! It makes me feel so loved, and that's all we want in this world, right? Love and happiness! Sadly, time does march on though. My oldest pointed out that I was 34 when he started high school. Holy crap! How is that possible? I was 34 yesterday. But you know what? That is okay. Time will march on, as it does for each and every one of us. I, for one, wake up cherishing each day; thankful for my health, my family, and my friends. I hope to continue this journey through life with unexpected surprises around the corner. And I hope you all will continue this journey with me, as I will with you. Love to you all.

Sorry!

Okay, that last blog was rather heavy, and depressing. This one won't be. I was out on a walk with my dear friend today, basking in the sunshine after 4 days straight of gloomy, rainy weather, and life feels like it is on a path to renewal. We are in a new springtime of our life, and as with the promise of Spring, after another gloomy, dark Winter--okay it wasn't THAT gloomy this year, Spring is a time to bring forth new life, hope, and beauty. Spring has always been my favorite season; I think it coincides with the season you are born.

Springs beauty brings back the green grass, the chirping birds, blossoming trees, the hints of flowers ready to burst forth at any moment, and the sun warming the earth. I feel like this is the Spring of my life. As sad as I have been that things are ending, I am starting to look forward to my next chapter. Will it be easy? Doubtful. But I know that there will always be people in my life to support me, stand with me, and push me towards new opportunities.

I've been told by many that life is too short to continue to mourn the loss of what was. Everyone deserves happiness in whatever form they desire. I will embrace the wisdom, after all, life is definitely too short. I won't miss out on opportunities again.

If you are in your dark hour, look to your family, look to your friends, look within yourself and try to see the beauty around. For you may be surprised that the Spring storm that sends the lightning out of the blue, is just what you needed.

The Death of a Marriage

The death of a marriage is more difficult than a true physical death in some ways because the person you still love is here. But they are moving on, moving forward, as you are left clutching your heart, fighting the tears when you see them in person.

Through mistakes, missteps, and misgivings, we find ourselves complete strangers. The pain, anger, bitterness, and grief can be overwhelming. This is the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. To have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health 'til death due us part. This is the person you built a life, a family, and a home. And now what? Now, there is confusion, turmoil, and loss. Truth turns into lies, trust into suspicion, security into insecurity.

Not only do you lose your spouse, you lose a family. The extended family. They promise they will support you and your decisions, and to be there no matter the circumstances. Yet, that too is now gone. It shouldn't come as a surprise either, as blood is thicker than water.

It is very difficult to mourn the death of a marriage as you still hope beyond hope that things will be repaired, even as it continues to erode before your eyes. You can't continue to shed your tears in front of others, so you shed them in silence. In the shower, in the car, into your pillow. But then turn on a face to the public, so they won't see you sad. Pretend you are strong, and holding it together. All the while slipping, falling, plunging into the murkiness of it all.

Don't misconstrue what I'm saying. I would never wish that my spouse had died, thinking it would be easier to deal with. But it is so difficult to look at the person, remembering the happy times, and pretending to be okay with what is going on now. I never wished for a divorce, but felt it was the last resort and there were no other options. I will always love him, I will mourn the loss of him, and pray that someday my deceitful heart won't skip a beat while whispering you still love him, but break whenever he walks away.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noël, Frohe Weihnachten. However you may say it,and however you celebrate, I'm wishing you all a very wonderful day. A day to spend with your loved ones, to reflect on the year that's been, and to enjoy each others company.

Each Christmas seems to be different for me. I don't always have the greatest memory, but there are definitely gifts, events, and so forth that stand out in the rusty annals of my mind. I remember a gift my friend Sandy Smith sent me the first year I lived in Germany. She sent a nightshirt and the largest gobstopper I had ever seen. It was either that year, or the following that my brother Greg gave me my pierrot clown blanket, fondly known now as the clown blanket. Yes, I still have that, and it is still in amazingly great shape!

A couple years later, when Bryan and I started dating, he gave me one of the best gifts ever. A kitty. Tragically, kitty upset the bird in it's cage, dad got mad at my cat, and well.... So, that turned into a disaster. But, for Bryan to give me a cat, it still means something to me, to this day.

The next Christmas that really stands out, is when I was seven months pregnant with Andrew. Bryan was home from his Air Force training for a few days. The poor guys luggage got lost courtesy of Delta airlines. He had no clothes to wear for a few days. He had to wear my sweatpants, which were about five sizes too short for him, and a crummy old t-shirt of his. God, we were so young then, really we were just a couple of kids. But so hopeful for our future, and the upcoming birth of our son.

A few years later, we added to the brood. Courtney, our little squirrel girl, with her squeaky little voice, exclaiming, "This is what I've always wanted!" While opening one of her presents. Honestly, I don't remember what it was. But her sweet little voice filled with delight has burned into my memory forever.

Sweet Gavin, on the cusp of growing up. He still believes in Santa, while many of his friends no longer believe. I don't mind holding onto the pretense, holding onto our little boy that much longer. Because, much too soon, this will be just another memory.

Christmas for me has been a little harder the past two years, as my dad passed away so close to the holiday. I try to feel festive, but always seem to come up short. I am certain it's this way for those that have lost a loved one near a holiday. After all, isn't the holidays a time for surrounding yourself with the ones you love? When one is no longer with us, it makes it just a little lonelier.

So, remember the good times, surround yourselves with the ones you love, and those that truly love you. It is a time for forgiveness, a time for hope, and a time to reach out to those less fortunate. Faith, hope, charity, and most of all to believe. Believe in the goodness in yourself, and in others.

My Christmas wish to you is to have a wonderful day, with good will towards all.

May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,
The gladness of Christmas give you hope,
The warmth of Christmas grant you love.
~Author Unknown

2 Years

December 7th will forever be etched in our family's history. This is the day, we normally would remember and honor those that lost their lives, or survived the attack on Pearl Harbor. But this day has become another day of remembrance.

Our dad, passed away two years ago. It doesn't seem possible that 2 years have passed. Time has eased the sadness in my soul, but I still miss him everyday. Everyday is one day further away from him, his memories slipping into the misty recesses of my mind.

I think to what has happened in the two years since he's died. The events from far and near, the good and bad. Still wanting to pick up the phone and say, "Did you see the news?" Or just to say hello.

No, the man wasn't a saint, but we are only human and stumble along the way. Time does heal those old wounds, and looking back, I realize there is so much I didn't even know about him. The places he'd seen, and the things he experienced.

He left us too soon, too sudden, and I feel robbed because of it. But time marches on, and the memories that linger become bittersweet. Tearing up while remembering a funny memory is commonplace now.

One way I honored him, was to take a part of him to my infant brothers gravesite, and place him with his son. It was something I needed to do, compelled to do. Dad already told me he's been sailing since he passed. Whether you believe in visitors from the other side or not, I do believe he came to me in a dream. He let me know that he was alright, and in his most perfect place.

We love you dad, and miss you. May we meet again.