The death of a marriage is more difficult than a true physical death in some ways because the person you still love is here. But they are moving on, moving forward, as you are left clutching your heart, fighting the tears when you see them in person.
Through mistakes, missteps, and misgivings, we find ourselves complete strangers. The pain, anger, bitterness, and grief can be overwhelming. This is the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. To have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health 'til death due us part. This is the person you built a life, a family, and a home. And now what? Now, there is confusion, turmoil, and loss. Truth turns into lies, trust into suspicion, security into insecurity.
Not only do you lose your spouse, you lose a family. The extended family. They promise they will support you and your decisions, and to be there no matter the circumstances. Yet, that too is now gone. It shouldn't come as a surprise either, as blood is thicker than water.
It is very difficult to mourn the death of a marriage as you still hope beyond hope that things will be repaired, even as it continues to erode before your eyes. You can't continue to shed your tears in front of others, so you shed them in silence. In the shower, in the car, into your pillow. But then turn on a face to the public, so they won't see you sad. Pretend you are strong, and holding it together. All the while slipping, falling, plunging into the murkiness of it all.
Don't misconstrue what I'm saying. I would never wish that my spouse had died, thinking it would be easier to deal with. But it is so difficult to look at the person, remembering the happy times, and pretending to be okay with what is going on now. I never wished for a divorce, but felt it was the last resort and there were no other options. I will always love him, I will mourn the loss of him, and pray that someday my deceitful heart won't skip a beat while whispering you still love him, but break whenever he walks away.
When life hands you lemons... Picture by CW
