Okay, that last blog was rather heavy, and depressing. This one won't be. I was out on a walk with my dear friend today, basking in the sunshine after 4 days straight of gloomy, rainy weather, and life feels like it is on a path to renewal. We are in a new springtime of our life, and as with the promise of Spring, after another gloomy, dark Winter--okay it wasn't THAT gloomy this year, Spring is a time to bring forth new life, hope, and beauty. Spring has always been my favorite season; I think it coincides with the season you are born.
Springs beauty brings back the green grass, the chirping birds, blossoming trees, the hints of flowers ready to burst forth at any moment, and the sun warming the earth. I feel like this is the Spring of my life. As sad as I have been that things are ending, I am starting to look forward to my next chapter. Will it be easy? Doubtful. But I know that there will always be people in my life to support me, stand with me, and push me towards new opportunities.
I've been told by many that life is too short to continue to mourn the loss of what was. Everyone deserves happiness in whatever form they desire. I will embrace the wisdom, after all, life is definitely too short. I won't miss out on opportunities again.
If you are in your dark hour, look to your family, look to your friends, look within yourself and try to see the beauty around. For you may be surprised that the Spring storm that sends the lightning out of the blue, is just what you needed.
When life hands you lemons... Picture by CW
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
The Death of a Marriage
The death of a marriage is more difficult than a true physical death in some ways because the person you still love is here. But they are moving on, moving forward, as you are left clutching your heart, fighting the tears when you see them in person.
Through mistakes, missteps, and misgivings, we find ourselves complete strangers. The pain, anger, bitterness, and grief can be overwhelming. This is the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. To have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health 'til death due us part. This is the person you built a life, a family, and a home. And now what? Now, there is confusion, turmoil, and loss. Truth turns into lies, trust into suspicion, security into insecurity.
Not only do you lose your spouse, you lose a family. The extended family. They promise they will support you and your decisions, and to be there no matter the circumstances. Yet, that too is now gone. It shouldn't come as a surprise either, as blood is thicker than water.
It is very difficult to mourn the death of a marriage as you still hope beyond hope that things will be repaired, even as it continues to erode before your eyes. You can't continue to shed your tears in front of others, so you shed them in silence. In the shower, in the car, into your pillow. But then turn on a face to the public, so they won't see you sad. Pretend you are strong, and holding it together. All the while slipping, falling, plunging into the murkiness of it all.
Don't misconstrue what I'm saying. I would never wish that my spouse had died, thinking it would be easier to deal with. But it is so difficult to look at the person, remembering the happy times, and pretending to be okay with what is going on now. I never wished for a divorce, but felt it was the last resort and there were no other options. I will always love him, I will mourn the loss of him, and pray that someday my deceitful heart won't skip a beat while whispering you still love him, but break whenever he walks away.
Through mistakes, missteps, and misgivings, we find ourselves complete strangers. The pain, anger, bitterness, and grief can be overwhelming. This is the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. To have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health 'til death due us part. This is the person you built a life, a family, and a home. And now what? Now, there is confusion, turmoil, and loss. Truth turns into lies, trust into suspicion, security into insecurity.
Not only do you lose your spouse, you lose a family. The extended family. They promise they will support you and your decisions, and to be there no matter the circumstances. Yet, that too is now gone. It shouldn't come as a surprise either, as blood is thicker than water.
It is very difficult to mourn the death of a marriage as you still hope beyond hope that things will be repaired, even as it continues to erode before your eyes. You can't continue to shed your tears in front of others, so you shed them in silence. In the shower, in the car, into your pillow. But then turn on a face to the public, so they won't see you sad. Pretend you are strong, and holding it together. All the while slipping, falling, plunging into the murkiness of it all.
Don't misconstrue what I'm saying. I would never wish that my spouse had died, thinking it would be easier to deal with. But it is so difficult to look at the person, remembering the happy times, and pretending to be okay with what is going on now. I never wished for a divorce, but felt it was the last resort and there were no other options. I will always love him, I will mourn the loss of him, and pray that someday my deceitful heart won't skip a beat while whispering you still love him, but break whenever he walks away.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noël, Frohe Weihnachten. However you may say it,and however you celebrate, I'm wishing you all a very wonderful day. A day to spend with your loved ones, to reflect on the year that's been, and to enjoy each others company.
Each Christmas seems to be different for me. I don't always have the greatest memory, but there are definitely gifts, events, and so forth that stand out in the rusty annals of my mind. I remember a gift my friend Sandy Smith sent me the first year I lived in Germany. She sent a nightshirt and the largest gobstopper I had ever seen. It was either that year, or the following that my brother Greg gave me my pierrot clown blanket, fondly known now as the clown blanket. Yes, I still have that, and it is still in amazingly great shape!
A couple years later, when Bryan and I started dating, he gave me one of the best gifts ever. A kitty. Tragically, kitty upset the bird in it's cage, dad got mad at my cat, and well.... So, that turned into a disaster. But, for Bryan to give me a cat, it still means something to me, to this day.
The next Christmas that really stands out, is when I was seven months pregnant with Andrew. Bryan was home from his Air Force training for a few days. The poor guys luggage got lost courtesy of Delta airlines. He had no clothes to wear for a few days. He had to wear my sweatpants, which were about five sizes too short for him, and a crummy old t-shirt of his. God, we were so young then, really we were just a couple of kids. But so hopeful for our future, and the upcoming birth of our son.
A few years later, we added to the brood. Courtney, our little squirrel girl, with her squeaky little voice, exclaiming, "This is what I've always wanted!" While opening one of her presents. Honestly, I don't remember what it was. But her sweet little voice filled with delight has burned into my memory forever.
Sweet Gavin, on the cusp of growing up. He still believes in Santa, while many of his friends no longer believe. I don't mind holding onto the pretense, holding onto our little boy that much longer. Because, much too soon, this will be just another memory.
Christmas for me has been a little harder the past two years, as my dad passed away so close to the holiday. I try to feel festive, but always seem to come up short. I am certain it's this way for those that have lost a loved one near a holiday. After all, isn't the holidays a time for surrounding yourself with the ones you love? When one is no longer with us, it makes it just a little lonelier.
So, remember the good times, surround yourselves with the ones you love, and those that truly love you. It is a time for forgiveness, a time for hope, and a time to reach out to those less fortunate. Faith, hope, charity, and most of all to believe. Believe in the goodness in yourself, and in others.
My Christmas wish to you is to have a wonderful day, with good will towards all.
May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,
The gladness of Christmas give you hope,
The warmth of Christmas grant you love.
~Author Unknown
Each Christmas seems to be different for me. I don't always have the greatest memory, but there are definitely gifts, events, and so forth that stand out in the rusty annals of my mind. I remember a gift my friend Sandy Smith sent me the first year I lived in Germany. She sent a nightshirt and the largest gobstopper I had ever seen. It was either that year, or the following that my brother Greg gave me my pierrot clown blanket, fondly known now as the clown blanket. Yes, I still have that, and it is still in amazingly great shape!
A couple years later, when Bryan and I started dating, he gave me one of the best gifts ever. A kitty. Tragically, kitty upset the bird in it's cage, dad got mad at my cat, and well.... So, that turned into a disaster. But, for Bryan to give me a cat, it still means something to me, to this day.
The next Christmas that really stands out, is when I was seven months pregnant with Andrew. Bryan was home from his Air Force training for a few days. The poor guys luggage got lost courtesy of Delta airlines. He had no clothes to wear for a few days. He had to wear my sweatpants, which were about five sizes too short for him, and a crummy old t-shirt of his. God, we were so young then, really we were just a couple of kids. But so hopeful for our future, and the upcoming birth of our son.
A few years later, we added to the brood. Courtney, our little squirrel girl, with her squeaky little voice, exclaiming, "This is what I've always wanted!" While opening one of her presents. Honestly, I don't remember what it was. But her sweet little voice filled with delight has burned into my memory forever.
Sweet Gavin, on the cusp of growing up. He still believes in Santa, while many of his friends no longer believe. I don't mind holding onto the pretense, holding onto our little boy that much longer. Because, much too soon, this will be just another memory.
Christmas for me has been a little harder the past two years, as my dad passed away so close to the holiday. I try to feel festive, but always seem to come up short. I am certain it's this way for those that have lost a loved one near a holiday. After all, isn't the holidays a time for surrounding yourself with the ones you love? When one is no longer with us, it makes it just a little lonelier.
So, remember the good times, surround yourselves with the ones you love, and those that truly love you. It is a time for forgiveness, a time for hope, and a time to reach out to those less fortunate. Faith, hope, charity, and most of all to believe. Believe in the goodness in yourself, and in others.
My Christmas wish to you is to have a wonderful day, with good will towards all.
May the spirit of Christmas bring you peace,
The gladness of Christmas give you hope,
The warmth of Christmas grant you love.
~Author Unknown
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
2 Years
December 7th will forever be etched in our family's history. This is the day, we normally would remember and honor those that lost their lives, or survived the attack on Pearl Harbor. But this day has become another day of remembrance.
Our dad, passed away two years ago. It doesn't seem possible that 2 years have passed. Time has eased the sadness in my soul, but I still miss him everyday. Everyday is one day further away from him, his memories slipping into the misty recesses of my mind.
I think to what has happened in the two years since he's died. The events from far and near, the good and bad. Still wanting to pick up the phone and say, "Did you see the news?" Or just to say hello.
No, the man wasn't a saint, but we are only human and stumble along the way. Time does heal those old wounds, and looking back, I realize there is so much I didn't even know about him. The places he'd seen, and the things he experienced.
He left us too soon, too sudden, and I feel robbed because of it. But time marches on, and the memories that linger become bittersweet. Tearing up while remembering a funny memory is commonplace now.
One way I honored him, was to take a part of him to my infant brothers gravesite, and place him with his son. It was something I needed to do, compelled to do. Dad already told me he's been sailing since he passed. Whether you believe in visitors from the other side or not, I do believe he came to me in a dream. He let me know that he was alright, and in his most perfect place.
We love you dad, and miss you. May we meet again.
Our dad, passed away two years ago. It doesn't seem possible that 2 years have passed. Time has eased the sadness in my soul, but I still miss him everyday. Everyday is one day further away from him, his memories slipping into the misty recesses of my mind.
I think to what has happened in the two years since he's died. The events from far and near, the good and bad. Still wanting to pick up the phone and say, "Did you see the news?" Or just to say hello.
No, the man wasn't a saint, but we are only human and stumble along the way. Time does heal those old wounds, and looking back, I realize there is so much I didn't even know about him. The places he'd seen, and the things he experienced.
He left us too soon, too sudden, and I feel robbed because of it. But time marches on, and the memories that linger become bittersweet. Tearing up while remembering a funny memory is commonplace now.
One way I honored him, was to take a part of him to my infant brothers gravesite, and place him with his son. It was something I needed to do, compelled to do. Dad already told me he's been sailing since he passed. Whether you believe in visitors from the other side or not, I do believe he came to me in a dream. He let me know that he was alright, and in his most perfect place.
We love you dad, and miss you. May we meet again.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
The other morning there was a terrible accident on the highway not too far from our house. The first thing I wondered: Did we know the people involved? Hearing the news helicopters hovering overhead in the early morning hours, led me to continually watch the news. One southbound vehicle crossed over the highway and careened into two northbound vehicles. It was reported later that the driver was avoiding a deer. Unfortunately she--the driver, and one of her daughters died in that accident. She also had her other two girls in the vehicle. One daughter sustained many injuries, and the other only had burns from the seat belt. The drivers of the other two vehicles had injuries, but none life threatening.
Come to find out, the family was a neighbor of my massage therapist. I ran into her at the movie theater yesterday. I inquired how things were going, and the news broke my heart. The girls will now go live with their dad--the parents had been divorced. There is at least that much good news in this tragedy, in that they won't have to go to foster care. She proceeded to tell me about the injuries the little girl received. Multiple injuries, that also requires reconstruction to her face. It dawned on me, you rarely hear the aftermath of these horrific accidents on the news. How drastically the lives are changed, the months, or even years of rehab. The countless surgeries accident victims face. Plus I can't imagine the internal scars these two young girls will carry with them over the course of their life.
I pray these girls will recover, and be able to live long, happy lives. We've only had a glimpse into their lives, and may never know how things turn out for them.
Come to find out, the family was a neighbor of my massage therapist. I ran into her at the movie theater yesterday. I inquired how things were going, and the news broke my heart. The girls will now go live with their dad--the parents had been divorced. There is at least that much good news in this tragedy, in that they won't have to go to foster care. She proceeded to tell me about the injuries the little girl received. Multiple injuries, that also requires reconstruction to her face. It dawned on me, you rarely hear the aftermath of these horrific accidents on the news. How drastically the lives are changed, the months, or even years of rehab. The countless surgeries accident victims face. Plus I can't imagine the internal scars these two young girls will carry with them over the course of their life.
I pray these girls will recover, and be able to live long, happy lives. We've only had a glimpse into their lives, and may never know how things turn out for them.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Veteran's Day
This is a thanks to the many veteran's in our family: My father, grandfather, father-in-law, brother, 2 brothers-in-law, and my husband.
Growing up in a military family gives you a different perspective on the world. We were privileged to travel to distant lands, experience a lifestyle that people only dream of (with the opportunity to immerse ourselves in foreign cultures), etc. Were we rich? No, the government doesn't pay their soldiers nearly enough! But that didn't stop our families from doing things.
Even as a military brat, I forgot the sacrifices our fathers and mothers made in their duty to our country. I never thought much that my dad was a Vietnam vet, because it was part of his job. It didn't sink in to how much he must have seen on his 3 tours while he was over there, and all the sites he had seen while he had traveled to multiple places across this globe. Over the years I know how much he missed with us kids because he was away on TDY's, and I would be angry that he missed this or that. But I was being a kid, and didn't appreciate how he must have felt.
I didn't appreciate the sacrifice he made every day for almost 30 years of rising every morning to get up and do his job.
So, thank you, soldiers near and far for rising every morning to do your job. Thank you to the soldiers of the past, present, and future who chose to serve their country, and those that have sacrificed ultimately for us. We appreciate all that you do.
Growing up in a military family gives you a different perspective on the world. We were privileged to travel to distant lands, experience a lifestyle that people only dream of (with the opportunity to immerse ourselves in foreign cultures), etc. Were we rich? No, the government doesn't pay their soldiers nearly enough! But that didn't stop our families from doing things.
Even as a military brat, I forgot the sacrifices our fathers and mothers made in their duty to our country. I never thought much that my dad was a Vietnam vet, because it was part of his job. It didn't sink in to how much he must have seen on his 3 tours while he was over there, and all the sites he had seen while he had traveled to multiple places across this globe. Over the years I know how much he missed with us kids because he was away on TDY's, and I would be angry that he missed this or that. But I was being a kid, and didn't appreciate how he must have felt.
I didn't appreciate the sacrifice he made every day for almost 30 years of rising every morning to get up and do his job.
So, thank you, soldiers near and far for rising every morning to do your job. Thank you to the soldiers of the past, present, and future who chose to serve their country, and those that have sacrificed ultimately for us. We appreciate all that you do.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Oops!
It doesn't seem possible that it's been over a month since my last post. Schoolwork, and all the daily trappings have kept me away from this page. *sigh* Although not all of it has been work that's been keeping me occupied.
One of my classes has finished for the semester. Yay! That much closer to completing the certificate requirements, and that much closer, hopefully, to employment. It is definitely time to rejoin the workforce. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will find a job quickly. I worry that since I have been unemployed for a while, that employers will find me unemployable. Lack of self-confidence tends to eat at my brain.
Halloween is right around the corner, and I'm far from prepared. Pumpkins haven't been carved, decorations are still in boxes in the basement, and the candy hasn't been purchased. Our youngest son has bugged me since we got the pumpkins over a week ago to carve the things. He also informed me he wants to be an "Angry Bird" for Halloween. No such luck. Bad idea to wait one week before Halloween to think I could purchase one of those costumes. It's the hot costume this year, and unless we wanna shell out $90 for a $40 costume, it's not gonna happen. Unfortunately, he doesn't have back-up plan, so unless he can decide something quickly, he will go as a ninja for the fourth year in a row. I doubt I could convince him to dress up as a steam punk. I want to dress as one!
It's a short entry this time, but homework awaits me! Happy Halloween, and maybe I'll have the decorations out in time for Thanksgiving!
One of my classes has finished for the semester. Yay! That much closer to completing the certificate requirements, and that much closer, hopefully, to employment. It is definitely time to rejoin the workforce. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will find a job quickly. I worry that since I have been unemployed for a while, that employers will find me unemployable. Lack of self-confidence tends to eat at my brain.
Halloween is right around the corner, and I'm far from prepared. Pumpkins haven't been carved, decorations are still in boxes in the basement, and the candy hasn't been purchased. Our youngest son has bugged me since we got the pumpkins over a week ago to carve the things. He also informed me he wants to be an "Angry Bird" for Halloween. No such luck. Bad idea to wait one week before Halloween to think I could purchase one of those costumes. It's the hot costume this year, and unless we wanna shell out $90 for a $40 costume, it's not gonna happen. Unfortunately, he doesn't have back-up plan, so unless he can decide something quickly, he will go as a ninja for the fourth year in a row. I doubt I could convince him to dress up as a steam punk. I want to dress as one!
It's a short entry this time, but homework awaits me! Happy Halloween, and maybe I'll have the decorations out in time for Thanksgiving!
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