Well, it's March 23, 2025, it's been a while. So much has happened over the years since last blogging, but I won't get into that.
As the title says, indeed the reaper and I danced last week. He'd been courting me for a few weeks, but I ignored him. A week ago Friday, he grabbed my hand and insisted we danced. Honestly, I was prepared for the ER doctor to say I was having a heart attack. Makes sense, right? Dad and a brother both died of one. I was ready to face it.
Pulmonary embolism and later found a clot in my leg. I was shocked. The Interventional Radiologist felt the best course of action was being transferred to the main hospital, and undergo surgery the next morning. Nurse in IR the next morning said he's not seen this surgery done on the weekend, usually they can wait until Monday. "You were smart to go in." "You were very lucky." Translation, you were in a dire condition and could have died.
Died. Dead. Expired. Gone from this earthly shell and plane. Forever.
This has been a mind fuck.
To think, I almost left my kids, my family, my friends, and my newly found love. Forever.
I won't go into the details of the thrombectomy, hospitalization, and care.
It will take some time to recover physically and mentally. Until the clots are all gone, I don't know if I'll feel "comfortable." Safe. Sound. How long will my mind continue to race to the what if...
Happy New Year to you and yours from me on this bright New Years Day. We all stop to reflect on this day to remember what was and what may come. Reading on social media how some were grateful that 2015 was finally over, how trying, and stressful the year was, it made me stop to contemplate about perspective.
Perspective:
per·spec·tive
pərˈspektiv/
noun
1.
the art of drawing solid objects on a two-dimensional surface so as to give the right impression of their height, width, depth, and position in relation to each other when viewed from a particular point.
"a perspective drawing"
2.
a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.
"most guidebook history is written from the editor's perspective"
We could all be in the same room, view the same thing, yet how we perceive the situation will be completely different. This is life. Our emotions and views will encapsulate what you observe and store it in your collective memory. That memory can potentially impact you so deeply, it may even define you for years to come.
However, what you perceive and what is the reality can differ greatly. Take the memory of my mother as a child:
She believed her mother abandoned her, that she was unwanted, unloved.
Talking with my mother and this situation, I asked her to look at my grandmothers life at that time. She was a divorced 24-year-old woman with 3 children under the age of 5, with no financial support from her ex-husband. She made the decision to leave my mother with a friend until she could get on her feet and eventually send for her.
Additionally, her mother was from a time and generation where expressing love wasn't in their nature. Compound that with her life, I imagine she was doing what she thought was best at that time, and perhaps distant to her children, as she wasn't given the skills to express her love. I can only speculate. However, I'm sure couldn't conceive the ramifications on her little girl.
I can only hope with this discussion with my mom, that maybe helping her to see the reality of the situation will help heal her.
Life and relationships are very complicated because of perspective. The veil between reality and perception become blurred. We perceive people are happy when we see smiling photos on social media. But in reality, most times the person is struggling internally--job, love, children, bills, parents, health, life.
While we have our perceptions, others will perceive your experiences differently. My dear and close friend has been battling a tumor. Yes, her reality has been hell. Operations, radiation, side-effects from both the tumor and her therapies have been her reality. Yet, I see a beautiful, vibrant, quick-witted woman that has a strong support system. I see the advantage of our excellent health system that is giving her the best chance at survival. But she'd probably give me the bird at my perspective.
Our perception of our stress-filled lives can very easily be a cake walk to someone else. Take the time to talk out what you may be feeling and experiencing. Work out your emotions and take control of your life. We are given one chance to smile, to laugh, to be happy.
My plan for 2016 is to continue to work through my perspectives, learn, heal, and grow. I hope for the same for each and every one of you. Many blessings to you all for a healthy, and happy new year.
You ever have one of those days? Days when you close the doors of your house, where you step back and wonder how do you begin to really understand why? The pressure from life weighs so heavy upon your tired shoulders that the only thing you can do is cry. The news from the day has you overwhelmed. News that someone you knew died unexpectedly, that two beautiful souls are struggling with health issues, that your mother is aging and you see that more than ever each passing day,which is scary as hell. The news on the wire of needless death, dying, hatred, and anger. It grows in your soul, pulling you in to that dark place that you've struggled so hard to not travel again.
Those overwhelming days when you just want to go back. Back to when things were so simple. A scraped knee could have a band-aid and a kiss on your head to make everything alright. When a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup soothed your soul. That everything will be alright.
I pray for the family and friends of a woman who was a friend to many within the Stanley community. I pray for my beautiful friends and their health struggles. I pray my mom knows how much I love her and wish I could turn back the clock. I pray for the souls that have been lost.
Sadly, eating a grilled cheese and tomato soup tonight did not bring back the feelings of yesterday as a child, that everything will be okay when you wipe the last drops of soup from your chin.
Tomorrow is another day, tomorrow I will try again.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. Since there seemed to have been a time warp, and I didn't get my Christmas card sent, this will do. On this cold, wintry morning as I reflect upon on the year, I realize what an interesting year it has been. Life truly is unpredictable and is not set in stone. It is fluid and you have to go where the current may take you, for swimming against the current will take you nowhere.
Family. When I think of family, there are many versions. My kin and extended family, the military brats in my life, and my work family. Each of you hold a place in my heart and from my heart I wish you all nothing but the best in the coming year.
Life is but a fleeting moment, do what makes you happy. Do something for others. Be. Be happy, be healthy, be spontaneous, be daring, be not afraid, be humble, be surprised, be grateful.
Many blessings and love to you all!
Love, Christina and family
Monday, July 15, 2013
I fucking hate depression.
If you've struggled with depression, you might feel like I do. It can be a sneaky monster, creeping in on you, weaving its tendrils of sadness, loneliness, self-doubt, self-hate, insecurities, and such--until it has you in its tight grip. Once the monster has you, it isn't something that ever goes away fully. One little trigger can send you slipping into the bleakness of the monsters lair.
Depression comes in many forms. I frankly had no clue I was depressed for years, because I had lived with it for a very long time. After a while, I finally sought help. Two different SSRIs, hours of counseling, and changes and upheavals in my life have lead me to where I currently am. I'm no longer on meds and for the most part am happy. I've been in a self-discovery mode since making one of the most painful decisions-- to divorce my husband after years of missteps and mistakes on both our parts. The loss of security was why I held on longer than I should have. I digress.
I am happier, more in control, and free from having to answer for who I am and what I chose to do. However, it is a struggle. Depression can be a day-to-day battle. The insecurities start sneaking in, fucking with you. Little minions of the monster, taunting, poking, and goading you, until the self-doubt and sadness start slipping in. Triggers can be big or small. I have found a support system, but even when I talk about it, I always feel like why the hell are you even listening? Don't you get sick and tired of me? That my issues, no pun intended, are just all in my head. So, there are times when I pull away. Which then is bad, cause the moments alone allows those creeping tendrils to weave their way in. I usually try to combat that by reaching out. Then the worry that I'm being bothersome and annoying pops in. I don't mean to be. I just need the interaction, conversation, and friendship. I need to feel that I'm okay, even when I don't feel that way.
I know there will be good days again. The good days are now out numbering the bad, but it's still a struggle. There are days when I find myself sitting in the shower or on my deck, alone and crying, fearful of the unknown and uncertainties. Oh to be omniscient! Sadly, I'm not. So, the not knowing, insecurities and struggles will be there, and will just have to face each day as it comes.
Today I shed a tear for a friend. His mother lived 70 years and a day. Just another reaffirmation that life is too short, you are not guaranteed tomorrow. Live, love, and make every breath count. Have adventures that you only dream, smile more, laugh hard, and live with no regrets.
Well, it's been a while since I sat down and took a few minutes to blog! Everyone is taking the time on Facebook to post a daily "What they are thankful for." I would like to say I could commit to that, but life has been so crazy! With that segue, I'll post what I am most thankful for in one mashed up blog. Here it is:
My children. You are my lifeline, my heartbeat, my soul. I see you grow and mature more each day and I am utterly amazed by you three. You drive me nuts. You make me want to scream, cry, laugh, and hold you close. Andrew, you are finding your way in this crazy world and I am so proud that you've bought your own car, working hard, and becoming a responsible young man. Courtney, you are blossoming into a beautiful young woman. Every time I turn around, you surprise me with your talent and fortitude. Gavin, my sweet boy. You have such a kind, tender heart and you are so much fun to be around. You are growing up too fast and I wish I could stop that, but I can't. Therefore, I will sit back and watch you three and file these memories away to treasure for the rest of my life.
My family. Mom. The one person in my life who has always been there. Through the good and bad, happy and sad. You have been there when I skinned my knees as a little girl, you were there when I gave birth to two of my children, helping me on my new path in life, and too many numerous occasions to remember. I love you and appreciate you, even when we drive each other nuts. You know you will always be with me, a part of me forever, and I love you. Scott and Greg, thanks for being who you are. You both have your unique qualities that make you you, and I love you both! Scott, I can always count on you to make me laugh, and Greg, if I need to know some awesome trivia, you're the man! My extended family, you are all special and I wish we lived closer! Lastly, Dad. I miss you and wish we had had more time.
Bryan. Even though our marriage is ending, I can't thank you enough for the greatest gifts in my life, our children. There were good times, and those are memories that I can still look back on fondly. I hope you will find happiness and wish you the best.
My friends. You have all been there for me through the craziness and insanity of life. Thank you, each of you, for sticking with me and being there for me. I laugh more when you are there, destress, and keep me grounded. I love you all.
My job (s). I think! Hahaha. Seriously, I can't call one of them a job. I have way too much fun at Old Navy to call it as such. I have met some awesome people and really enjoy working with them and spending time with them. Especially the morning crew!!! Some of you are really turning into good friends. I am about to embark on a new job, in addition to Old Navy, and I am excited to get it started. I truly am thankful that I have 2 jobs in this economy.
Music. I can't go a day without it in my life. It is a comfort, an inspiration, something that moves me.
“Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like nobody's watching, and live like its heaven on earth.”~ Mark Twain
With these thanks said, why wait
for a particular day or month? Spread some kindness and love. Life is too short
to live with regrets. Embrace the spontaneity, dare to dream, act, and do.
Don't hold back and later say you wish you had embarked on an adventure. Carpe
diem! You have one life to live, make as many memories as possible.
